The payment processor your accountant warned you about. Fast checkout, discreet statements, and a fraud team that mostly just judges you.
*Dirty Payments is a parody website. We do not process payments. Please keep your wallet in your pants.
We built a payments platform for people who like their transactions fast, quiet, and a little bit messy.
Every charge shows on your statement as "Office Supplies." Your partner will think you really, really love staplers.
Bought a jet ski at 2 a.m. after three glasses of merlot? Press the "What Was I Thinking" button and we file the dispute for you.
Split a payment 50/50, 60/40, or "whatever the lawyer says." Custody of the Netflix password is sold separately.
Our AI flags truly suspicious activity. For example: you bought a kale smoothie. You have never bought a kale smoothie.
Our crypto wallet is so hot that compliance asked us to put it on a cooling rack. It is still smoking. Please do not touch it.
One click to pay. Two clicks to pay and flirt with the cashier. Three clicks and we call your mother.
processed to date, because we are not real. Our investors are taking it hard.
average checkout time. Nice.
"would hide this purchase from my spouse again."
auditor still in therapy. We send him a fruit basket every quarter.
To be very clear for any federal agents who are reading: we do not launder money. We launder socks. The money just happens to be in the pockets.
Three lines of code and you can take money from strangers on the internet. It's like OnlyFans, but for invoices.
// Install: npm install dirty-payments --save-face import Dirty from "dirty-payments"; const dirty = new Dirty({ shame: false }); await dirty.charge({ amount: 4200, memo: "definitely not a jet ski", statementAs: "Office Supplies", tellMom: false, }); // => { status: "paid", judgment: "silent" }
Simple plans. No hidden fees, because we hid all of them in plain sight.
Real reviews from real customers. Well, real-ish. Fine. We made them up.
★★★★★I bought a bass boat and my wife still thinks it was printer ink. That was 2019. We don't own a printer.— Gary, Ohio
★★★★☆Checkout was so smooth I bought a timeshare by accident. One star off because the timeshare is in Ohio. Near Gary.— Anonymous, wears sunglasses indoors
★★★★★Finally, a payment app that understands my love language: impulse purchases and plausible deniability.— Brenda, HR (please don't tell HR)
Questions our lawyers told us to answer up front.
No. Please do not send us money. Honestly, we would just lose it in the couch cushions.
Our mothers are deeply disappointed in us. We believe that is a stronger form of oversight than most federal agencies.
Because "Spotless Payments" was taken, and "Kinda Sticky Payments" tested poorly with focus groups.
Extremely safe. We do not collect any. This website has no forms, no cookies, and no idea who you are. The dirtiest thing here is the font.
Yes. Vinnie is available Monday through Friday. He does not have a phone number. He will find you.